Sunday, October 12, 2008

Kate: The Prodigal Loser

I am 99.653 percent sure almost everyone has had a diet like this before.

You know ~ the diet where you're actually not cutting calories, excercising or giving the slightest effort to make the number on the scale a little bit smaller?

Yeah, that's me.

I can't put my finger on the exact reason, but let's say that my wayward commitment (was it ever there to begin with?) is a perfect storm of emotional heartache, personal insecurity, social excess, utter surrender and motivational complacency.

The emotional heartache comes from deep inside my heart, where I am still nursing the wounds that come with a loved one's loss. You can read more about it on my other blog.

The personal insecurity is not a new phenomenon in my emotional makeup. I've long struggled with my shortcomings in the way of dating, beauty and a myriad other topics. I've come to terms with some of those weaknesses, but I am still seriously doubting my personal commodities in the meet meat market of life. I sense those insecurities are getting in the way of any sense of entitlement I may have towards a thinner, healthier me.

The social excess. Ahh, the social excess. I became the life of the party the minute I packed up all my belongings and moved into the University of Kentucky's Blanding Tower in 1995. For many years I'd been relegated to the dork table in the high school cafeteria, so in college I completely let my alter ego (and perhaps my id) takeover my persona. Kate the Party Girl had some missteps along the way (which, by the way, I am very grateful for) but has toned things down quite a bit in her 30s.

That doesn't mean I don't know my way around a bottle opener - be it wine or beer.

Get a few glasses in me, and I am still life of the party. The trouble is - the party usually always includes some damn good food, too.

Which brings me to utter surrender - that's the best explanation I can use to describe what I feel when I see good food. Fat, greasy, rich, fried whatever. Brie cheese is my kryptonite. I don't know if it's a predisposition embedded in my genetic code (watching my parents in action, I suspect it is), but I am pretty powerless when it comes to that triple-cream-goodness-on-a-plate. Same goes for anything potato based (knowing my Irish and German heritage, I KNOW this is a genetic predisposition) and most chocolate flavored items.

I don't really know why I am experiencing the motivational complacency. I believe I'm entitled to the same happiness and health as everybody else,but I think my recent funk has undermined my drive to make it happen. Despite what my mother says, I know losing weight does not a husband bring, and perhaps its the premature anticipation of disappointment that's stalling any success.

But today is a new day.

The weather is gorgeous, and whatever emotional demons I'm dealing with today - I need to remind myself they can be shhhhed away just as easily with a walk as with a doughnut.

Time to tie on the tennis shoes.


Kel Klump said...

I can totally relate to what you are going through. Now i am a point in my life where I am over the emotional reasons for eating and have to focus on my health. I hate knowing that I am damaging my body with my habits, but sometimes those items (like brie) get the best of me.
I am sure most of us have been there, we just need the extra support that women can give each other. Good luck and I hope that you keep motivated.