Sunday, September 21, 2008

Kate: Roadblock

Single girl is my shtick.

Every Cincinnati Loser has her own brand of blogging - some of us are mothers, some of us are vampy fashion mavens, some of us are brides-to-be and some of us are food and wine divas.

I am single. That's my "gig" ~ at least where blogging is concerned.

Most of the time it's great. I go to fun parties and have fun weekend afternoons, and I never have to hire a sitter or consult a man to determine whether his calendar coincides with my designs for decadence.

I sleep in late, I drink cocktails early and I eat whatever I want.

That all poses a problem when you're trying to make a little bit less of yourself in the world.

And that's the rub.

I've talked about this before on my blog, I definitely have a subconscious belief that if I can shed the pounds (or at least a few of them), I will make myself more attractive to a potential suitor.

I'll look good naked - and the men I meet will want to find out just how good.

But after a months-long dry spell (I think we were singing Christmas carols the last time I had sex), I have reached a strange point in my singleton universe ~ I'm ready to throw in the towel.

If my life were a movie, I'd be transitioning from the buxom, blonde main character into the crazy teacher who wears holiday themed sweaters and enjoys a solo home life with her many cats.

Yeah, not so sexy. Right?

And so every time my mother grabs my plump but pretty face, and tries to convince me You would have to beat the boys off with a stick if only you'd just lose some weight, I just want to yell I'm okay with the curve! I'm okay with the size 18! I'm okay with the one piece!

But sometimes I'm really not.

I actually would love to wear a two-piece while tanning along a sparkling, cerulean pool behind one of Vegas' most glamorous casinos. I'd love to wear a dynamite cocktail gown (without a bra) to an elegant black tie affair. I would love to skinny dip in a pool and not be self conscious about the part that comes between wearing clothes and diving in the water.

I am weathering this storm of indecision.

Sometimes it's a season of complacency dotted with determination. Other times it's period of militant commitment laced with brief indulgence ~ and sometimes I think this storm has more to do with my status of Single than it does my health or diet.

Right now I'm thick in the middle of the former - and it kind of sucks.

Oktoberfest (and the preceding days) rolled into my life, complete with goetta balls, fried pickles and the tastiest bier from the Homeland. I am fat and happy.

Or am I?

The scale shows that I have been living life on the lam - and now regret has infiltrated my psyche. For this week, I am taking a "bye" on the weekly weigh in~ even Weight Watchers gives you the option to abstain one time.

I've had my fill of fried food and (solo) reckless abandon.

It's time to get back on the wagon and hit the road headed towards a town called Success - both in weight loss and personal satisfaction.


Kel Klump said...

I have been in your shoes before, and I know its frustrating. I was in a very long term relationship and it ended abruptly. I was single for almost 3 years and never heard the end of it from my family. I used eating as a shield, and did it alone to escape the guilt of eating pizza chinese and everything else bad for you at 2 am after a trip to the bar. I am now trying to erase the years of bad habits and now that I am in a healthy relationship its still not easy. I have changed most of my habits but still those Oktoberfest weekends kill me too. I am a routine person. I made myself go to the gym until I felt like I had to go. I cant always say it was productive, sometimes I forced myself to walk or use the elliptical while a favorite show was on just to get me to go. Hang in there and I know you will do it. We have to hit those times of struggle before we can succeed. We are women and we do best in these situations (Even if it seems like we cant). Good luck and keep us posted.

Monika R. "RedKat" said...

Kate I just want to hug you, and tell you it really will be okay. Not having known you all that long, my impressions of you are that you're a beautiful, confident and smart woman who knows herself and what she wants. I admire the hell out of you. I'm in your boat -- festivals, happy hours, special dinners...I'm such a social creature that I fall victim to the occasion all the time. I try to plan ahead and trim where I can. But there are some times, for better or for worse, that I can't justify sacrificing my experience for calories. The only way I'm ever going to make this work is if I can exercise more to counterbalance my excess. Let's do it together...seriously!

Amy in Ohio said...

You are one of the most gorgeous women I know in real life. I hope you see a glimpse of the glow that everyone else sees when you are in the room.

I'm not going to Hallmark you to death and tell you that Mr. Right is out there, just around the corner, waiting to change your life. That's too cheesy to be helpful and really, what the hell do I know?

What I do know is that whether you're the size you are right now for the rest of your life or the size you aspire to, there is great treasure within you. And like any good, buried treasure, it's not easy; you've got to hunt and search a little, maybe a lot. The great thing is that YOU get to design the treasure map.

By the way, you are a beautiful writer - the imagery in your post was amazing.

Susan said...

In my single days, I lost a good bit of weight and looked pretty hot for a (very) short time. That Halloween I dressed up as Wonder Woman! Not coincidentally, I dated a lot during that period.

After I started packing on the seemingly inevitable pounds again, I fortunately met my hubs before things got too ugly. Then together, we got very fat (but not happy, at least about our fat). Fast forward 7 years -- we're FINALLY losing all the weight we put on during our early years, with the hope that we can enjoy the rest of our marriage as fit, healthy people.

What is my point? Every person's life is different. But I know that being healthy and feeling good about how you look is worth every effort, whether you're single, married or swearing off men completely. Keep the faith!

Greisie said...

Wow, Kate, I read that post and thought I was reading somthing that I totally would have written myself. I, too, am single, I'll be 30 in November, and if I anyone else tells me how "PRETTY" I would be if I would just lose weight I think I might scream and then shoot them in the eye! Great post and you are a beautiful woman!

Anonymous said...

This is a great post. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you're doing it for you. To make YOU happy, to make YOU feel better. Not for your mom or to find a man. It's the only way to make it work.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Maura said...

Take Griesie's comment, add 10 years and now you know me, too.

It is hard, no doubt about it. And it's hard, too, sometimes to find understanding when almost all your friends are married (w/or w/out kids) and while they can sympathize, they can't really understand what it's like to be "out there." Though they'll gladly tell you that they're so happy that THEY are not out there any more. :-)

I have come to a place of acceptance of myself. It was a long and tough battle, but it's where I am today. I try not to let "acceptance" turn into "complacent" and I still try to improve on my habits. But I no longer beat myself up after an Oktoberfest-type weekend, because it's not worth it. I don't feel any better about myself when I do, and it doesn't change the fact that I'm human, I like yummy things, and I know myself well enough to realize that if I try to pretend I don't, it only makes it worse.

You'll find your way, just be kind to yourself while you do.

Anonymous said...

You are awesome, gorgeous, and amazing to be around. Your beauty shines through to anyone that's around you. The right guy is going to see that, and find it irresistible, for the same reasons we all enjoy being around you.

If you want to lose weight, do it for you, because you are truly beautiful just the way you are.

BTW, I love the abstain from a week of weigh ins - sometimes you just need the fried pickles.

Michelle said...

Kate, there's so much I want to tell you about what you're going through. Sometimes it's truly better, happier, when you're single. Remember that.

No matter what, you truly are beautiful and make sure you're losing weight for YOU and not because you want to find the perfect guy. I can honestly say that when you are in a room, you light the place the up. Have confidence in your current beauty and strive to be healthier.